Progress Report (without all those icky grades and stuff)

I came up with a plan for the next three months for the weight loss. I started it on the 22nd, and so far have managed to follow it without deviation. It pretty much consists of going back to avoiding dairy, eggs, processed foods, and refined sugars. Let's face it: I do and feel better that way. So the two month binging from my birthday on has come to a definite close.

But amid all the ridiculous instant self-gratification and gorging, I found out something: I didn't gain a single pound. I got my cake and ate it too. Unreal! How the hell did my over-30 and counting body manage that? Is it somehow the rule that sometimes you CAN do whatever you want and it still works out? Wow, have I been living in some sort of self-loathing bubble for the last few years.

To be fair, I was being pretty good most of the time. I didn't have milk, instead opting for rice milk with my oatmeal. I very sparingly ate items with egg in it. I checked the ingredients labels for the things I shouldn't be eating anyway. Go figure! Not a single pound! Even after that giant caramel-oozing brownie that Krissy, my lovely baking co-worker made for my birthday. I lovingly savored that baby for three days. If you're gonna fall off the wagon, better to go all out. It's the only way to make it worth the future self-resentment.

Forget self-resentment though. Not this time. Miracle! Angels singing in the background. The clouds part and a beautiful shaft of light illuminates the numbers on the scale. Not a single freakin' pound! How utterly breath-taking is that? I thought for sure I was going to have to suck it in and raise my arms and all that nonsense. Nope.

Back on the wagon I go. I raise my skirts, exposing my petticoat to the world (that's just how I roll), climb back in one leg at a time, sit on that ever uncomfortable bench, right the bonnet on my head, and begin that ever-so-long journey for the future body that will fit into the clothes I have already bought in my mind. God, I will look awesome in them. I won't even have to suck it in to button the jeans.

Another phenomenon has occurred: the jeans that I have been meaning to fit back into have either gotten bigger, or I've gotten smaller. On a whim, I took them out yesterday, just to see what the scoreboard had to say. Those bad boys went on. A little snug. But they went on. They buttoned. They zipped. They didn't rip. And most shocking of all, I could walk in them not at all like a robot. Amazing! When did that happen? I've been sporting way-too-big pants for a while because I've been in between the size I was and the size I want to fit back into. So, it was a matter of time, of course. My lazy ass hasn't even been working out. If I hadn't been there, I might not have believed it.

Now, dear readers, if you think I'm stopping with those jeans, think again. Still following the three month plan. Phase one has begun. For once, I'm micromanaging my weight loss. This will be so much more manageable. The next meeting with the scale is Sunday. God-forbid that number has gone back up. I swear, I'll smash it. It better not tempt me.

Horror Show

So, I have to admit that I hadn't been on a scale for a while. A long while. And there's a reason why. If I don't know what that unholiest of numbers is, then I don't have to deal with it. I didn't deal with it for a really long time.

And now I know.

It taunted me. I think I looked at my toes longer than I should have instead of grasping what it was the scale was telling me. Really? That much? That can't be right. But it is right. It is. And now I have to deal with it. Damn it!

I'm scrambling. The mother and I have decided on a weight loss challenge. She has more to lose, so giving her a few days head start didn't seem so bad. But now I'm scrambling. Good God! How did I let this happen? Ugh.

Well, that's done. Oh well. Guess all that planning will go to good use. Let's commence with the life-changing veganism. (Somewhere, a nutrition fairy just got her wings.)

Notes on fatness

Things I have learned in this experiment of gaining this weight:

1. Everything hurts more. Granted, I'm not in constant physical pain. But, my joints and back hurt more than I ever remember experiencing. What the heck? You'd think with the extra padding that things would hurt less. (Yeah, I get it, the carrying of the weight thing - this was a joke.)
2. There is nothing more terrifying than trying on clothes. With every pound, one cringes at the idea of having to buy more clothes to fit the added girth. But then you factor in the fitting room and then the dreaded check out (where, no doubt, there is some cute little thing - a size 2 - manning the register and eying the size, and then you, and innocently turning away as if she didn't notice). My most traumatizing weight-related experience to date was buying new pants at Old Navy. I was determined I wasn't going to spend a lot on the purchase of pants that wouldn't fit me long. I had to - horror of horrors - return to the sales floor three times to find a pair that would fit. Mortifying.
3. When you accept yourself for the size that you are, you realize a motivation unlike anything ever experienced before. Accept it!
4. When you naturally have large breasts, you really shouldn't get fat. They get big, big, big! The horror!
5. Any kind of exertion causes a scary reduction in ability to breathe. Gasp!
6. Food has a different meaning to you. I don't care what anyone says. When you are desperately overweight, the relationship you have with food changes. Instead of arming yourself with the nutrients and calories necessary to keep you alive, you experience this love-hate-love-hate-relationship with food. You want it all, yet you despise it. And then, you despise yourself for not being able to throw the crap out. Not to mention the inner debate you have in your head every time you hit the grocery store. It takes a serious f----ing grip to get past that.
7. Shoes. I don't think I need to explain this one. If you've packed on the pounds, you know what I mean.
8. Chafing and boob sweat. This, too, lacks explanation.

So, that being said, time to move on! I'm seriously determined to get back to the place I need to be. Who's with me?!

I think this will help my diet.

So, I'm going to be setting up my own vegetable garden in the back yard - hopefully completely organic. I know absolutely nothing about gardening, so this should be an exercise in seeing exactly how many times I can fail with plants in one lifetime. Plants are tricky - and Sam doesn't really do tricky.

Anyway, ultimately, this means that I will be eating better. I hope this means I'll be eating better. Lord knows I'm probably the only fat vegetarian on the planet (okay, maybe not, but there are only a few of us).

There are, apparently, some easy tricks to keeping weeds out of the garden if you start it off right. Like, putting down wet cardboard or newspaper and then topping it with organic mulch. Wait a couple weeks, then punch through the decomposing cardboard/newspaper with your trowel and start planting. This is the article I found this info in.

Maybe this won't be a completely hopeless endeavor. Stay tuned for more on that.

On the same note, I've been waiting impatiently to see the new documentary Food, Inc. It looks like it will do the same for the food industry what An Inconvenient Truth did about global warming. It hasn't arrived in my market yet, so I'm waiting for the wider release. It would be totally unfair if I had to wait until it's on video. I understand that it's harder to market documentaries to theater chains, but still, this is important people! Get with it!

Any-who, I thought y'all might want to see the trailer. So, here you go:

Happy Independence Day! May yours be filled with family, good food, and fireworks!